Fighting Fairly: The Pursuer and the Processor

When couples argue there are a host of different styles. Two that are common and go hand and hand I call the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘processor’. The pursuer feels that in any argument they need to have fast and immediate resolution thereby pursuing their partner pushing for answers. The processor needs time to process and digest the argument and often will shut down when being pursued and if the pursuer continues to push too hard the processor will explode. Respecting each of these different styles will go a long way to change the dynamics of the argument and lead to fighting fairly.

How I suggest resolving their different styles is for each person to give some leeway toward the other. The pursuer needs to allow the processor space and time but the processor needs to commit to return to the argument within a reasonable time frame (which they have predetermined when not in an argument). These times vary for different couples from just an hour to as long as needing a whole day.